1 (edited by 4armedbandit 2018-01-12 15:06)

Topic: Working on story, looking for feedback

I've never really committed to anything like this, but I've been working on creating a character and setting with room for expansion to new ideas, looking for feedback smile

Name is still just a working title.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aezxid … heu4-/view


Re: Working on story, looking for feedback

It's really good I can't wait until it is finished.

3 (edited by 4armedbandit 2018-01-12 15:16)

Re: Working on story, looking for feedback

Added chapter 4 giving the Antagonist(?) some backstory.
Also planning on rewriting some of the transformations a little bit so that later story progressions make more sense.

Updated again:
Just small changes throughout.
Can't really think of a name for the nanotech stuff in the formula, wanting something trademarked and corporate/catchy. Also trying to think of a street name for these enhancements.

Update #3:
Thought of a street name, changed the story to fit it better. The changes make the story better anyway.


Re: Working on story, looking for feedback

So the pronouns are a little confusing during the sex part after the first transformation, had trouble understanding if the "she" was referring to the victim or the assaliant. And I think you got them mixed up once or twice.

Very much enjoyed the transformations depicted, although I wish you were a little more detailed. What is the logistics of her two penises and vagina that goes half way up to her belly button? Are her penises above her vagina so basically on her stomach? or are they on either side of her vagina in her groin?

I hope you continue!

5 (edited by 4armedbandit 2018-01-13 03:40)

Re: Working on story, looking for feedback

youhaveitinspades wrote:


Yeah, I initially wrote it in third person and changed to first because it was easier for me to write, I'm still trying to remove all the remnants from that.

I updated the description of her dicks too and I'll try to update transformation descriptions to be more specific.

Thanks a lot for the feedback, it really helps big_smile


Re: Working on story, looking for feedback

Your writing can use more of "show, don't tell" approach, and could cut out a lot of unnecessary detail to make it more concise.

Here's a simple edit for example.

4armedbandit wrote:

I sighed with relief as I submitted my essay. Sure it was four hours past the deadline set, but by now I was sure my Professor was used to my way of doing things. Of course, my professor had likely been sleeping since before the deadline, like any normal person would be.

My bubble of focus burst and I realized my next dilemma: to eat, or to sleep? I completely forgot to do either when I got caught up in my work, and I only just realized how hungry and tired I was.

I was so tired I figured I could sleep hungry, so I started getting ready for bed, but as I was brushing my teeth I remembered something I was supposed to do. “For god’s sake Jennifer!” I spurted out, mouth full of toothpaste, dribbling it all down my face. My scrambling to submit this essay made me forget to make a grocery trip earlier! So, completely out of food, deciding that I wouldn’t be able to deal with a trip to the shops tomorrow morning, I gathered my things, and left on a journey to the nearest 24 hour store.

I locked my apartment door and shuffled about in my bag where I swapped my keys for my phone and earbuds. Listening to radio stations is my way of tuning my brain out of everything else. It allows my thoughts to wonder, and its especially nice to have someone else’s thoughts in your head while walking the streets at night.

It was 4 in the morning.

It was also four hours past the deadline.

I submitted my essay anyway, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. Or at least, what relief could be achieved after staying awake through sheer adrenaline alone. My professor probably wouldn't mind; he must have grown used to my way of doing things by now.

I was too tired to think of anything else but sleep, and went to prepare for bed. As I was brushing my teeth, a realization struck me. In all the panic, I forgot to go to the grocery store! I was all out of food and there was no way I could afford any time tomorrow morning to go shopping. I gathered up my things, cursing all the while, and walked into the night to head for nearest convenience store.

I put on my headphones and tuned into the news. News radio was my go-to for walking the streets at night. The voices were like a companion, and always made the cold, dark nights feel a little less inhospitable.